I do when I'm too exhausted to think anymore- or when I'm visiting Alpha and we've finished a bottle of rum. Or when my chem cubes aren't acting up.
[ IT takes three, now. One vapor, one line of medication, one pill. It's never taken that much before.]
...after a fashion. You want to do well you join the Militia. You get bored with regular training you get into espionage. You meet the most fascinating man you've ever known. You sleep with him. You learn from him. And when he kills himself you replace him.
It means something, that we can't sleep. I wonder if we'd have more luck all piled in together. [ Giggle, snort. ] I've been thinking about it a lot, it was nice with you.
[ Her expression turns serious as she listens to the short story, frowning at the ending. ]
Oh, no. I was hoping it stayed sweeter for longer than that.
...It was nice with you both as well. I haven't slept like that since Romeo was killed.
[ Keith. There's the same twinge there always is. A sharp twist in her chest, a flash of heat behind her eyes. Much to her mortification the heat becomes damp, the damp weighty enough for two or three drops to slide down her cheeks and vanish into Natalia's hair. ]
[ Natalia makes a noise and moves her good arm so that she can place her hand on Juliett's cheek. ]
I don't want you to stay sad. But sadness is not something that is easily controlled. It's like water; it seeps into cracks, it pulls things apart, but everyone needs it for something.
[ She turns to press her lips into Natalia's palm without thinking on it. An affectionate gesture turned sensual is easier to process than genuine kindness. It burns. This was a familiar one. What she offered- wasn't.
Better to take the familiar ache. ]
Then my life may yet be sweet. I don't have much longer left. I should have started looking for a replacement last year.
Callsign Juliett never retires, Lisichka. We remember everything. And there's only so much of what we remember on top of what they want us to remember that we can stand. They don't wipe us. They can't.
[ She squeezes the hand on her cheek before linking their fingers, tugging it back down. ]
We operate for about...five years on average before we self terminate. The first shot herself. The second tried poison. Monet hung himself after five years. I'm in my third.
[ Natalia's thumb begins to rub circles in the skin on the back of Juliett's hand.
This conversation is important. Will be important. She doesn't want to think about that and yet she has to acknowledge the truth of it. That there are very few accidents, even fewer coincidences. She's not being told a bedtime story. ]
I don't like it.
I know it's sounds childish but I don't. Not that it matters, really. It'll just be very upsetting. But I like you.
I've lived so long it feels like that should be enough.
[ Her hand goes tight, clinging to a lifeline that's no more tied down than she is. But there you have it, the reason for her desperate need for control. Her thorough enjoyment of life. She's intensely and uncomfortably aware of it's transience, especially where she is concerned. ]
I like you too, Natalia. It's been awhile since I've liked anyone. There's no real way to break the cycle. There must always be an Operative.
I told some others that I wanted to join. Become a Callsign. Before he came. I don't think that's...changed. Per se. I still think it's important, I would just rather that you weren't dead for that.
[ Natalia's forehead creases and she frowns, blinking away tears. It's stupid. Why is she crying? People die. People like them kill themselves. These are immutable truths and she knows it. ]
Are you asking me to take your place or am I just emotional and on drugs?
I don't honestly think they would choose you to be my replacement. this position requires they would be comfortable trusting in an Immune to know. but usually we choose our own replacements.
[ there's no aptitude test for this position. No regulation. No format for programming. Juliett must learn the hard way.
She manages a faint bittersweet smile as she wipes the threats from Natalia's face. ]
I think you would do well. I think you'd break the cycle. I also think it would frustrate them to no end and that would bring me joy in the afterlife.
I never had enough warning. Monet kept the last secret to himself until after I was processed into his replacement properly. Left me that and the rest of what I needed to know in a data chip.
[ Juliett lifts their hands to press a kiss to the back of Natalia's hand. ]
You are welcome to try. I think having something, someone to protect will help. I thought that having Romeo would work but...
Sometimes I wonder if they knew he kept me anchored.
[ Natalia smiles at the kiss. She wants to thank Juliett for the warning but it seems like a strange thing to say, thank you for telling me you'll someday try and probably accomplish suicide. ]
It helps. Having someone to protect. Even if they can manage it on their own, but especially if they can't. It keeps you looking at the big picture, keeps your thoughts moving in some formation other than a möbius strip. Though if you lose them...or you fuck up...you end up questioning everything in seconds.
They might have known. They don't seem too interested in the intricacies of how people interact, though, unless secrets are involved, from where I'm standing. Laying. Being. I don't know.
This new Alpha is nice. I talked to him for a while. Yes, I'm changing the subject.
They probably did. His family didn't care much for me either...and then he left almost everything to me anyway.
[ She huffs a soft laugh. They may have never said the words but that had been proof enough for her that he'd cared just as much as she had. ]
Consider the subject changed, darling. He's sweet. I was the one that chose him- well. The first and second choices would have been more along Bifrons yes men and we need something better than that for the Milita. Matt was- a general. Lucas was a father. Our currant? He's a soldier. He's one of us. It helps.
Oh, good for him. [ A final 'fuck you' to anyone who questioned them. She can appreciate that. ]
He answered my question, about Dmitri's past. He didn't have to do that. [ Natalia lets out a small sigh. ] I want him to survive this. I want him to be his own person.
First Alpha. He didn't have to talk to me, but he did. He didn't have to answer my question either, but he did that too. You look out for him, don't you? He sounds like he might need it. But mostly Dmitri. Surviving without him is less than ideal.
Until we get a Beta promoted, It is my job to help him adjust. For all that he remembers having the position since Matt died he's only been doing this for a month. I chose him because he's a good man. Because he didn't judge me too harshly when he found out about the entirety of my job.
[ The hand no in Natalia's hair curls around her fingers, squeezing. ]
We'll help Dimitri. You won't have to worry about surviving without him. And if you need another dose of the chems when we get to the penthouse, I can arrange that.
He's a good pick. [ Natalia's voice has gone quiet, sleepy and thoughtful. ] He's trying to do what he thinks is right. Better than a man who never questions it.
[ At Juliett's promise that they'll help Dmitri, Natalia opens her eyes and gives the other woman a sharp smile. ]
Good for him. Good for us. We'll do our best to be good for you.
[ Natalia wants to say something like they would never hurt her, but that's a dangerous thing to promise. They would never want to hurt her, that's true, but it doesn't have the same silly romantic and hopeful ring to it.
Good girl. It won't be long till we're home. He's sleeping right now- I didn't want to leave him until I was sure he was asleep. He was so worried about being left alone.
[ It's a strange thought to have; but when you're that cracked open and vulnerable? Alone is the last thing you want to be. She's just never had anyone that she trusted enough to be broken around before. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Neither of us sleep very well. None of us? I've no idea if you sleep. You don't have to tell me.
[ At Juliett's remark about their similarities Natalia gives her a sad smile. ]
I'm sorry. Did you at least volunteer?
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[ IT takes three, now. One vapor, one line of medication, one pill. It's never taken that much before.]
...after a fashion. You want to do well you join the Militia. You get bored with regular training you get into espionage. You meet the most fascinating man you've ever known. You sleep with him. You learn from him. And when he kills himself you replace him.
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[ Her expression turns serious as she listens to the short story, frowning at the ending. ]
Oh, no. I was hoping it stayed sweeter for longer than that.
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[ Keith. There's the same twinge there always is. A sharp twist in her chest, a flash of heat behind her eyes. Much to her mortification the heat becomes damp, the damp weighty enough for two or three drops to slide down her cheeks and vanish into Natalia's hair. ]
Nothing stays sweet here. Not for long.
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I don't want you to stay sad. But sadness is not something that is easily controlled. It's like water; it seeps into cracks, it pulls things apart, but everyone needs it for something.
Nothing stays sweet except short lives.
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Better to take the familiar ache. ]
Then my life may yet be sweet. I don't have much longer left. I should have started looking for a replacement last year.
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I thought they let Callsigns 'retire' these days.
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[ She squeezes the hand on her cheek before linking their fingers, tugging it back down. ]
We operate for about...five years on average before we self terminate. The first shot herself. The second tried poison. Monet hung himself after five years. I'm in my third.
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This conversation is important. Will be important. She doesn't want to think about that and yet she has to acknowledge the truth of it. That there are very few accidents, even fewer coincidences. She's not being told a bedtime story. ]
I don't like it.
I know it's sounds childish but I don't. Not that it matters, really. It'll just be very upsetting. But I like you.
I've lived so long it feels like that should be enough.
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[ Her hand goes tight, clinging to a lifeline that's no more tied down than she is. But there you have it, the reason for her desperate need for control. Her thorough enjoyment of life. She's intensely and uncomfortably aware of it's transience, especially where she is concerned. ]
I like you too, Natalia. It's been awhile since I've liked anyone. There's no real way to break the cycle. There must always be an Operative.
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[ Natalia's forehead creases and she frowns, blinking away tears. It's stupid. Why is she crying? People die. People like them kill themselves. These are immutable truths and she knows it. ]
Are you asking me to take your place or am I just emotional and on drugs?
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[ there's no aptitude test for this position. No regulation. No format for programming. Juliett must learn the hard way.
She manages a faint bittersweet smile as she wipes the threats from Natalia's face. ]
I think you would do well. I think you'd break the cycle. I also think it would frustrate them to no end and that would bring me joy in the afterlife.
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So. I accept. [ She gives a nod. ] I want to say that I won't try to stop you but I can't promise that. I'm too selfish.
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[ Juliett lifts their hands to press a kiss to the back of Natalia's hand. ]
You are welcome to try. I think having something, someone to protect will help. I thought that having Romeo would work but...
Sometimes I wonder if they knew he kept me anchored.
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It helps. Having someone to protect. Even if they can manage it on their own, but especially if they can't. It keeps you looking at the big picture, keeps your thoughts moving in some formation other than a möbius strip. Though if you lose them...or you fuck up...you end up questioning everything in seconds.
They might have known. They don't seem too interested in the intricacies of how people interact, though, unless secrets are involved, from where I'm standing. Laying. Being. I don't know.
This new Alpha is nice. I talked to him for a while. Yes, I'm changing the subject.
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[ She huffs a soft laugh. They may have never said the words but that had been proof enough for her that he'd cared just as much as she had. ]
Consider the subject changed, darling. He's sweet. I was the one that chose him- well. The first and second choices would have been more along Bifrons yes men and we need something better than that for the Milita. Matt was- a general. Lucas was a father. Our currant? He's a soldier. He's one of us. It helps.
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He answered my question, about Dmitri's past. He didn't have to do that. [ Natalia lets out a small sigh. ] I want him to survive this. I want him to be his own person.
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[ She starts combing her fingers through Natalia's hair, smile soft, sweet, and maybe a touch indulgent. ]
I'll help however I can.
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[ Natalia lets out a sigh of pure contentment. ]
God but I'll be sad when all this wears off.
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[ The hand no in Natalia's hair curls around her fingers, squeezing. ]
We'll help Dimitri. You won't have to worry about surviving without him. And if you need another dose of the chems when we get to the penthouse, I can arrange that.
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[ At Juliett's promise that they'll help Dmitri, Natalia opens her eyes and gives the other woman a sharp smile. ]
Good for him. Good for us. We'll do our best to be good for you.
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[ Leaning down enough to kiss Natalia's forehead isn't difficult at all. In fact it's one of the easiest things she's done all night. ]
Right now I want for you to focus on resting.
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So instead she smiles and closes her eyes. ]
Focus. More like letting go. I'll rest.
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[ It's a strange thought to have; but when you're that cracked open and vulnerable? Alone is the last thing you want to be. She's just never had anyone that she trusted enough to be broken around before. ]
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