[ She's already flicking through the feeds as she waves off- well whoever it was that wanted her attention. The casino can run itself well enough for the moment. ]
[ All right. To her feet, then, and going through the process of locking up, leaving the safehouse for...the day, the evening, who knows? At the moment she isn't as terribly inclined to concern herself with details of the future.
[ Cards on the table. Owning her actions, being honest- therapy is for fools and those that can be fixed; but she set out her hand all the same. What has she to lose? ]
[ And in this new life of hers, she can appreciate the comforting lie of fairness when it occurs. ]
I will see you then.
[ For now: Finding the nearest clinic. Smiling at the intake nurse, it's my arm, I fell, not sure what's happened to it. She gives an alias if only for paperwork's sake, and lists Juliett as her emergency contact and person for release from this procedure.
Whatever it is. At this point she doesn't even care, she just hopes they give her a sedative. A strong one, if fortune is on her side. ]
[ There are sedatives. A private room. Top of the line medical care offered quickly and efficiently. She'll be left to rest until Juliett arrives for her.
It'll be an hour. An hour of talking, an hour of mending, an hour of confession and transport back to the safe house. When she arrives Juliett is dressed simply, slipping into the room to sit at Natalia's bedside and wait for her to wake. ]
[ She makes conversation with whomever wanders in, asking about upgrades and the risks attached to them. It's just chatter, something on her mind but not at the forefront; there's a good chance she won't remember what she's being told anyway.
It takes a minute for Natalia to rouse, opening her eyes and blinking slowly at Juliett. ]
Oh good.
[ She wouldn't be here, Natalia knows, if she hadn't found him. ]
[ Now that she's awake Juilett dares to reach out and run her fingers through Natalia's hair. Something so small, but highly damning if one looked from the right angle. ]
[ Natalia's face crinkles up in a smile that is much more relaxed than she could normally manage. She hadn't taken any of her own sedatives since Dmitri arrived - being possibility incapacitated seemed like a poor personal choice, and then there had been Kilo's. No room for retreating into the distance chemicals created between the mind and the world as is. ]
Very light. It's because I haven't taken any, in a while, I think.
[ She can, and will, carry her back to the penthouse if need be. Or grab a hoverchair. Whichever would work better for Natalia. The care and transport of the injured isn't usually something she worries about but this is...important. Natalia is important. ]
I think I may need to hold more than your hand, darling. Come here.
[ She slides Natalia's uninjured arm across her shoulders and steps in close to hold her waist. Probably not the most subtle hold, but one that will keep Nat steady as they make their way to her car. ]
I am sorry I kept you waiting. It took some time to get him patched up and calmed down.
You don't have to apologize. It's not as though I minded the wait. Or paid attention to the time.
[ Her injured arm is in some sort of stabilizing mechanism that Natalia remembers very little about other than being asked if it were too tight. She peers at it for a second before smiling back at Juliett. ]
You're kind to us.
[ That's different. Not unwanted, not by a long shot...just different. Very different. ]
[ She has a driver for the evening. One of her usual employees. Someone that knows well enough to be discreet as she shuffles Natalia into the back and helps her lay out if she wants to, pillowing her had in her lap. ]
I do when I'm too exhausted to think anymore- or when I'm visiting Alpha and we've finished a bottle of rum. Or when my chem cubes aren't acting up.
[ IT takes three, now. One vapor, one line of medication, one pill. It's never taken that much before.]
...after a fashion. You want to do well you join the Militia. You get bored with regular training you get into espionage. You meet the most fascinating man you've ever known. You sleep with him. You learn from him. And when he kills himself you replace him.
It means something, that we can't sleep. I wonder if we'd have more luck all piled in together. [ Giggle, snort. ] I've been thinking about it a lot, it was nice with you.
[ Her expression turns serious as she listens to the short story, frowning at the ending. ]
Oh, no. I was hoping it stayed sweeter for longer than that.
...It was nice with you both as well. I haven't slept like that since Romeo was killed.
[ Keith. There's the same twinge there always is. A sharp twist in her chest, a flash of heat behind her eyes. Much to her mortification the heat becomes damp, the damp weighty enough for two or three drops to slide down her cheeks and vanish into Natalia's hair. ]
[ Natalia makes a noise and moves her good arm so that she can place her hand on Juliett's cheek. ]
I don't want you to stay sad. But sadness is not something that is easily controlled. It's like water; it seeps into cracks, it pulls things apart, but everyone needs it for something.
[ She turns to press her lips into Natalia's palm without thinking on it. An affectionate gesture turned sensual is easier to process than genuine kindness. It burns. This was a familiar one. What she offered- wasn't.
Better to take the familiar ache. ]
Then my life may yet be sweet. I don't have much longer left. I should have started looking for a replacement last year.
Callsign Juliett never retires, Lisichka. We remember everything. And there's only so much of what we remember on top of what they want us to remember that we can stand. They don't wipe us. They can't.
[ She squeezes the hand on her cheek before linking their fingers, tugging it back down. ]
We operate for about...five years on average before we self terminate. The first shot herself. The second tried poison. Monet hung himself after five years. I'm in my third.
[ Natalia's thumb begins to rub circles in the skin on the back of Juliett's hand.
This conversation is important. Will be important. She doesn't want to think about that and yet she has to acknowledge the truth of it. That there are very few accidents, even fewer coincidences. She's not being told a bedtime story. ]
I don't like it.
I know it's sounds childish but I don't. Not that it matters, really. It'll just be very upsetting. But I like you.
I've lived so long it feels like that should be enough.
day 114; afternoon; voicemail after calling alpha
I just want to know if he's alright or bleeding in a ditch or starting a war.
day 114; afternoon; voicemail
[ She's already flicking through the feeds as she waves off- well whoever it was that wanted her attention. The casino can run itself well enough for the moment. ]
I'll find him. Are you alright darling?
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[ Breath in. Breath out. Calm. Too calm. She is emotionally distancing herself from this. ]
I think I've fractured something in my arm. I'll find someone to look after it.
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[ Fabric on skin, the teeth of a zipper as she steps into a side room and strips down. She can't hunt in a designer gown. ]
I promise, I will find him. I'll make sure he is well and then I will come for you.
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Right now she has to get to a clinic. ]
You don't need to come for me. I'll be fine.
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[ Cards on the table. Owning her actions, being honest- therapy is for fools and those that can be fixed; but she set out her hand all the same. What has she to lose? ]
...and I want to make sure you are safe, da?
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That's fair.
[ And in this new life of hers, she can appreciate the comforting lie of fairness when it occurs. ]
I will see you then.
[ For now: Finding the nearest clinic. Smiling at the intake nurse, it's my arm, I fell, not sure what's happened to it. She gives an alias if only for paperwork's sake, and lists Juliett as her emergency contact and person for release from this procedure.
Whatever it is. At this point she doesn't even care, she just hopes they give her a sedative. A strong one, if fortune is on her side. ]
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It'll be an hour. An hour of talking, an hour of mending, an hour of confession and transport back to the safe house. When she arrives Juliett is dressed simply, slipping into the room to sit at Natalia's bedside and wait for her to wake. ]
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It takes a minute for Natalia to rouse, opening her eyes and blinking slowly at Juliett. ]
Oh good.
[ She wouldn't be here, Natalia knows, if she hadn't found him. ]
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[ Now that she's awake Juilett dares to reach out and run her fingers through Natalia's hair. Something so small, but highly damning if one looked from the right angle. ]
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Very light. It's because I haven't taken any, in a while, I think.
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[ She can, and will, carry her back to the penthouse if need be. Or grab a hoverchair. Whichever would work better for Natalia. The care and transport of the injured isn't usually something she worries about but this is...important. Natalia is important. ]
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[ Just give her a moment to haul herself upright and get her feet on the floor.
The room doesn't spin. It's more like it swims. Natalia giggles. ]
I may require handholding.
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[ She slides Natalia's uninjured arm across her shoulders and steps in close to hold her waist. Probably not the most subtle hold, but one that will keep Nat steady as they make their way to her car. ]
I am sorry I kept you waiting. It took some time to get him patched up and calmed down.
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[ Her injured arm is in some sort of stabilizing mechanism that Natalia remembers very little about other than being asked if it were too tight. She peers at it for a second before smiling back at Juliett. ]
You're kind to us.
[ That's different. Not unwanted, not by a long shot...just different. Very different. ]
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[ She has a driver for the evening. One of her usual employees. Someone that knows well enough to be discreet as she shuffles Natalia into the back and helps her lay out if she wants to, pillowing her had in her lap. ]
You both remind me a bit of myself. Often.
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Neither of us sleep very well. None of us? I've no idea if you sleep. You don't have to tell me.
[ At Juliett's remark about their similarities Natalia gives her a sad smile. ]
I'm sorry. Did you at least volunteer?
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[ IT takes three, now. One vapor, one line of medication, one pill. It's never taken that much before.]
...after a fashion. You want to do well you join the Militia. You get bored with regular training you get into espionage. You meet the most fascinating man you've ever known. You sleep with him. You learn from him. And when he kills himself you replace him.
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[ Her expression turns serious as she listens to the short story, frowning at the ending. ]
Oh, no. I was hoping it stayed sweeter for longer than that.
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[ Keith. There's the same twinge there always is. A sharp twist in her chest, a flash of heat behind her eyes. Much to her mortification the heat becomes damp, the damp weighty enough for two or three drops to slide down her cheeks and vanish into Natalia's hair. ]
Nothing stays sweet here. Not for long.
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I don't want you to stay sad. But sadness is not something that is easily controlled. It's like water; it seeps into cracks, it pulls things apart, but everyone needs it for something.
Nothing stays sweet except short lives.
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Better to take the familiar ache. ]
Then my life may yet be sweet. I don't have much longer left. I should have started looking for a replacement last year.
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I thought they let Callsigns 'retire' these days.
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[ She squeezes the hand on her cheek before linking their fingers, tugging it back down. ]
We operate for about...five years on average before we self terminate. The first shot herself. The second tried poison. Monet hung himself after five years. I'm in my third.
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This conversation is important. Will be important. She doesn't want to think about that and yet she has to acknowledge the truth of it. That there are very few accidents, even fewer coincidences. She's not being told a bedtime story. ]
I don't like it.
I know it's sounds childish but I don't. Not that it matters, really. It'll just be very upsetting. But I like you.
I've lived so long it feels like that should be enough.
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